Full of Grace
by Serendipity73
Summary: Post 8x07, Sara's POV


Full of Grace

By: Serendipity

Rating: Mature

Time Line: Post 8x07

Pairing: GSR, Sara's POV

Notes: This is my first story in 4 years, be gentle with me.

It has been over a month now, a month since I left Vegas, a month since I left Grissom, a month. I had no idea where I was going when I stepped foot into that cab and left behind the only place I knew of, knew as a home. Everyone gets to a point in their life where no matter what they do to fix things, I tried very hard to stay, to change, to get over what was happening to me. When I was sitting in the bus station, I finally broke down. Leaving I knew was going to be hard, but I did not realize how hard it was actually going to be. As I sat there, some older woman sat down next to me, and gently took my hand in hers as I cried. Cried for all the things I was leaving, all the times I will be missing, all the love that I have here.

All I could do was hold on to myself, and that was what I did. I held on so tight, mostly because I knew it was going to hurt like hell. Christ it already hurt. Would time only tell how I would be? I am not sure, because it is a month after I left, and I am not myself. What is it in me that refused to believe this isn't easier then the real thing? I ask myself every day, is this easier, being alone, then being with my family, with Grissom? My love.

On that bus, its funny, I didn't even really know where I was going, I thought a lot about that letter I had written to Gil. I know it had to hurt, I didn't want to hurt him, I still don't. But if I had tried to talk with him, I know I would have stayed in Vegas. And I know in my heart I couldn't. I ran over hundreds of ways to tell him what I wanted to. He is my best friend, I would do anything for him. He is my one and only love. I just hope that he does not let this come in between us, I think…I know our love is strong and true. I wonder if he knows that I am in heave when he holds me, when we make love…he is my heaven.

So here I stand at the crossroads of my life. I look up, some small town in Texas, Nick would be proud. I hope you are sleeping peaceful Gil. I hope you aren't hurting, I hope you understand. I still love you, I will always love you with my everything. I know tonight I will lie awake, I will pray. You taught me that you know, just as you have taught me too many other things. Showed me so many other 'good' things in life. You are a wonderful man, Gil Grissom. Tonight I am praying that we will see another day together. I am praying that we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile across your face.

The moon is casting its light over my face now, as I look out over the small town. I am still crying, I don't think I ever stopped. I am crying because I love you, I miss you…this is not home. Home is where you are. I know in my heart that you would have left the job, left Vegas for me. I need to find me again Gil. Natalie took that from me, that night under the car. That is the day I realized that life is more then the job. More then finding the next clue. I love to help people, you know that. But this time I have to help me, yes I want your help, I need your help, but I have to do part of this by myself first. As I pull the blanket I took from our bed around my shoulders, the smell of you is the only thing that has kept me company, has kept me going for these past weeks, I pray. Oh god, if you are out there, won't you hear me. I know that we have really not talked before. Oh god, please, I have left the man that I love, I know he is hurting. Please won't you watch over him, comfort him. Tell him I am out there, watching the stars, wishing he was here with me.

I am not sure if I have ever told anyone this. I know I wanted to tell you Gil. I came close a few times, and no I am not sure why I find it so hard to either. This is one of the reasons why I think I needed to get away. Part of my died that night, changed me right down to my soul. I know when Nick was kidnapped, I felt helpless, all I wanted to do is find him, just like the rest of us did. We worked as a team, found him and he was safe. The thought did cross my mind that it could have been me, but that's about as far as that thought had gone. Then it was me. That day had arrived, and I guess Nick is stronger then I am, I thought that I could go on, work it out, and get back to normal. Whatever normal is. I know you would help me, I want you too. You are such a strong man, take on whatever needs to be, and move forward. I hope, no I pray that, that is what you are doing now. This month has been so hard on me. I am leaving this little town tomorrow morning, going east I think. I would love to see more of the mid west, but with the tornado that my life has been over the last few months, that is the last thing I need to put myself into.

Just know that I will not forget you, nor will I ever let you go. Ever.

Being my last night here, tomorrow I will be even further away from you then I am now. I am not sure how to comprehend that thought. I know I don't like it. I am worried, you have not tried to contact me except for that day I left, I am assuming after you read my letter. Are you okay Gil? Please don't hate me, all I have ever wanted from you is your love, your friendship. I need to know that I still have that. Do you know how many times I have picked up the phone just to hear your voice? Hundreds. I still have that blanket from home you know. I hope you saw that I had taken it from our bed, realizing that I had taken something by, something to hang on to.

I remember the nights when we first got together all those years ago. I would watch as you lay sleeping, your body was gripped by some far away nightmare. It was right after Nick was kidnapped, remember? I was so afraid to love back then and so in love then, I was so lost in all of you that I had seen. I was so scared Gil. I knew I was going to turn out like my parents, I did not want to hurt you. I had never known love before Gil. Never. Do you realize that no light was ever shown in the doorway for me at night when the nightmares came? There was only darkness. You showed me that light. If in some memory some sort of sigh, and flesh be revived in the shadows. Blessed our bodies would lay so entwined.

I find myself under a different moon now. It is almost Christmas time now. Thanksgiving was really hard for me. I know we had planned to share it together, with our extended family. I still have not heard from you. I am not sure if I should thank you or hurt you. I still hurt, I still miss you. I thought that by leaving, some part of me would cover that hole that was left in my heart. I believe that will never be healed until I return to you.

Today is the day before Christmas. I sit out on the beach; I know where I am this time, Georgia, Jeykll Island to be exact. It is really peaceful here; the height of the tourist season is all but done. I am the only one in this wing of the hotel. I know you would love it here Gil. I wish you were here with me. The sand is white, the water is clear. There are dolphins that swim with their young not 15ft from the shore lines. So here I sit, on the beach, the sun is setting, warm colors of orange and yellows are sprawled across the sky line where the ocean meats the sky. It is amazing really, and I find myself crying again. I have been doing that less lately. I am taking more walks outside, along empty streets. People are just there, I have not really spoken with anyone since I left. I have gotten stronger, I have really. I think you would be proud of me. I know I am a changed person now. I am not the same old Sara from when I started in Vegas. There is so much death Gil, so much darkness. I need to let that go. Life can be so beautiful Gil. The world around us is beautiful. I am worried that you will not stop and take it in, and the darkness will swallow you up.

That is why I had to leave Gil. I know this now.

I want sun, I want color, I want to be able to walk down the street and just be happy. I don't want to have to worry about work calling, I don't want to worry about the next body that shows up, or how mean and awful the human race can be. I want to live, I want you to be there with me.

Do you even know how you took hold of my heart? You were like a spirit that conjured up this temptuous rage, you created a monster, broken by the rules of love. Fate has lead us to this place Gil. It has lead us through some of the worst situations that humanity can dish out. And you know what, we are still here. You do what you have to do Gil, fate will lead you to the next step. Please do what you have to do. I am worried about you. I am worried that you have closed yourself off from everyone. I have been so tempted to call Greg, just to make sure that you are alright.

I have had the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go. Every moment in my life is marked by you. It is like every aspect of my soul is marked by apparitions of your soul, I am not trying to escape you, I am trying to find myself among all of this, mess. I am trying to escape the desire I have for you, the yearning to be near you is so over powering. I don't know if you understand that. I am trying to do what I need to do. You are everywhere Gil, this sunset I am watching, this sand I am burying my feet in. It is like I am being wrapped in your embrace. I need you. I don't know how to let you go. I carry this glowing ember, its burning so hot and slow. I am so shaken by the violence of it existing only for you.

Tomorrow is Christmas, it would be our third Christmas together. I miss you. I fear that you have moved on, that you have nothing left to give, when I have discovered that I have so much more to give you.

I found myself sitting in the same spot as I was last night. If it were possible, the sunset is more spectacular then it was last night. I miss you, all I did today was cry in my room. I didn't leave, I didn't even make it out of bed. I woke from my first nightmare in a long time, in a pool of tears and sweat. Do you remember the good times we had Gil? This is my fault, I feel that I had left them slip away from us when things had gotten a little hard. When I first saw you, how clear you were, smiling into the sun. I want to feel your warmth upon me, I want to be one.

I know I will remember you, I will remember all of the good times we had. How could I forget the most important thing that has ever happened to me? Please do me a favor and don't let your life pass you by. Weep only for the memories. Before I left, I am so tired Gil, but I can't sleep. It was like I was standing at the edge of something much too deep. It is funny how we can feel so much, and yet we can not say anything. I know I was screaming inside, and no one could hear me. Remember back when I first came to Vegas, I was so afraid of you, so afraid to love you. But you know what I was more afraid of? I was more afraid of losing you. I was clinging to what we had in California, the past. It was like I could no choose, fate had chosen for me. Once there was a darkness in my life, a deep and endless night, and you gave me something, you gave me everything, you gave me the light, the love of my life.

I hope you remember me because I remember you.

Next Christmas I want to be you and me. I love you Gil Grissom.

Great I am crying again. I want to be in your arms, you are my angel Gil. I am sitting here in my stark cold hotel room. You brought me from the wreckage of my life. I need you.

You are my angel.

It is after New Years now, and I find myself where you found your retreat earlier last year. The winter here is cold, and bitter. It has chilled me to the bone. I know I haven't seen the sun for weeks, and I am left wondering why I left the question of why I ever left the comfort of the south. I am to long and to far from home in this far away place. I know no on here, and I am left wondering why you chose here to come. I don't see the beauty in it. There is snow everywhere, and I had to spend a small fortune on clothing just to keep warm. I just feel like sinking into the ground and not coming out. The progress I thought I had made back in Georgia is no where to be found. I am finding myself slipping into a deep depression. I am not sure who I am anymore, where I am. Should I claw myself onto solid ground? Would you care if I did? Would you care if I didn't?

It is almost like a wave has washed over me, and I am being pulled down by the undertow. The darkness is coming and I don't know how to stop it. Help me. It is taking all of my strength and all of my courage to life myself from this place. I know I can love you, I know I can love so much better than this. You once told me I was full of grace. I kind of laughed it off, and you looked at me as if you were upset I didn't believe you. To tell you the truth I didn't believe you at the time. What is grace anyway?

I have seen this place, not Massachusetts before, but this dark and cold place before. It was what I was trying to run from in Vegas. So is it better this way? I am not sure. It seems like everything I say and do hurts someone. I am finding myself outside of the local church here, praying. I do that a lot not Gil. I pray for you, I pray for me. I pray for all the of the strength, all of the courage to come and lift me from this place. I know can love you better then this. Like you said I am full of grace. You are my one and only love.

I have rented a small cabin here, thinking of what and where I wanted my life to go. I left Vegas to find myself. To put myself back together again so that I could love you like I should. I want to live again Gil. But I also need to work. I have no idea what I am going to, and that scares me. I knew what I wanted to do the day I met you. You defined my life from the first day I met you. But I need to experience the happy side of life. You know live in ignorance. Maybe I could teach somewhere… I wouldn't mind teaching. Maybe I could just take up photography and make a living off of that. I know I have the eye for it. I have been reading more, the snow is coming down hard these days. I only go out for food when I need to. Living in Vegas for so long definitely does not have its advantages when it comes to this weather.

Tonight I have a lamp burning low upon the table, I have my cell phone in my hands. I haven't heard from you in months. I know it was my choice to leave, but I just need you. Do you understand that? The ache in my chest has grown so big, its taking over me. The snow is falling tonight, the air is full of silence and all I seem to hear is your voice calling me, pleading, begging me. It is almost as if I can hear your tears. I swear it is the snow carrying it over the miles between us. If I could only have you near me, this blanket has long lost your scent, and I am sitting here in front of a warm fire that is softly lighting up the small cabin. I am warm, but I am not really. I would be happy to have you near, to breathe a sigh or two. I would be so happy just to hold the hands I love. Look into the eyes that have no end, but show every emotion you have. I want to share this winter night with you.

I look down at the empty wine glass as I pull the blanket tighter around me. I have lost some weight, but nothing much. I am cradling my cell phone in my hands like a life line to you. Lately I have been writing a lot, my feelings, emotions, random thoughts. It is to hard being alone these days. As I refill my glad I read again the words that I wrote, the words of love. If I could know in my heart that you were okay, I am lonely, if I knew you were lonely too, that maybe you still loved me, that you didn't forget me. I want to hold your hand again, kiss you.

The light of the fire is dying now, and my lamp is slowing growing dim. Is that some sort of metaphor? Some play on my life? I hope not, I have so much I want to share with you. It can not be over yet. As I look over to the small windows the shades of night are lifting, and the morning light is spilling across the windowpane. It is still snowing out there. I want to be once again with you Gil.

I can see spring smiling through the morning sun. It is almost like a face of newborn child, all innocent and unknowing. Winter has finally ended. I think it is time. After that last big blast from father winter two weeks ago, things warmed up and I was able to find the car I have rented. I never left somewhere so fast in my life. I swear I have no idea what you saw in that state Gil. It was dreadful.

I have so much to give, just like spring. There is so much Gil. I think it is time, time for me to call you. Time for us to grow. I have so much to give, and yet I have so much to lose. I am not sure what would happen to me if you did not want me anymore. That thought scares me, terrifies me. Here in this lonely place, I need to be tangled in your embrace. The need to talk to you is so over powering at this point, I fumble for my purse searching for my cell phone. All I want to do is be tangled up in your embrace. The say that temptation will destroy love, the never ending hunger. I am not sure if I believe that or not. I am ready Gil, I am ready. I miss you, I love you, and I want to move on. Natalie will never win. I have power over what happens in my life. I want to feel love, I want to live life. I want you. I know I don't have much to give, but what I have, I could easily lose in a moment. You are worth the risk.

As I fumble to open my phone, my hands are shaking so much. I am left the feeling of walking on edge, like a tight rope. Reality rips through me, almost like a hurricane. If everything is falling, if everything is changing, then I am welcoming it. If I have learned anything, life changes, and we need to change with it in order to move forward. Phone in hand I look around and ask myself what I am doing here, if you aren't with me. What do I have to live for, if you aren't with me; Take me back to the beginning, back to the start of it all. I feel like gravity is pulling me down, you are still holding my heart Gil. Still after all of his you hold it in your hands. I feel like I am crashing down. With shaking hands and baited breath I dial your number. Praying that you will want me, I don't want to come crashing down if you are not here to catch me.

One ring, two rings, these walls are closing in on me. I want to be there with you, I want you to be here with me. Answer the phone…please. You know every look, every smile, you are my other half. I know that now. Tears come crashing down my cheeks as your phone rings for the third and forth time.

"Sara…." Is all I hear from the other end of the line.

My world has just come crashing down… I better hold on.

All the fear I have, has left me now. I am not frightened anymore. I can't help it but my face breaks out into this huge smile. I have not smiled like that in ages, in fact I can not remember when. You sound sad, but happy to hear from me none the less. We have a lot to talk about, but right now I am just happy to hear your voice on the other end of the line. My heart is pounding, everything I wanted to say to you has suddenly left me. I can hear your intake of breath on the other end.

"Sara…I…"

I get goose bumps at my name, I have missed this man.

"I missed you." I don't fight the tears that no fall freely. I have learned to show my emotions, you can not hold them inside. It will eat you alive.

"What's wrong, is something the wrong?" he asked almost hesitantly.

I have to smile. "Nothing is wrong, only that I have waited this long to hear your voice."

"I am here for you Sara, I…."

"Shh, I need you too come out here."

"When…"

"Now. I can't wait any longer Gil."

With that he promised to call me back with his travel schedule. Surprisingly I sat there watching, waiting for the phone to ring. Almost willing it to ring.

I won't fear love anymore. Gil is my companion for life, he will be there in my fit of rage, in my dreams, my happiness. We will make darkness into day. I won't fear love anymore.

The next day I was waiting for him just outside of security in the airport. Damn them for not letting me meet him at the gate. I don't think I handled the waiting part very well, I was in tears. Sniffling I saw him round the corner and I had all I could do to not rush security and into his arms. I was adult enough to wait till he was through until I rushed into his arms.

I won't fear love anymore.

It is the sweetest surrender.


End file.
